You might not know that I’m very deep down the Self Help rabbit hole.

It’s given me consistency and community over the past half decade, through my creator career, past marriage, the worst of my chronic illness & much more I’m yet to be brave enough to share.

It’s provided a deep feeling of “more” through everything I do. It’s also a very, ‘take what’s good, leave what’s bad’ space, so it isn’t for the faint hearted.

I’m mentioning this because honestly, it’s a disclaimer.

This write up is not for everyone.

If you’re the type of person who isn’t looking for how they can contribute or grow, the following isn’t for you (actually, you’re the kind of person I’m telling people to get far, far away from to be honest). 

You’ve been warned!

Now, Is it on you to be the most kind, angelic, slap me across the cheek woman? Absolutely not.

It is on you to at very minimum be aware there are hurt women in this beauty community, mentally & physically struggling.

It’s not easy being pretty - I’m not kidding.

I’ve never seen better examples of gorgeous women being completely tortured for their societally accepted good looks and if you’re in the oh “poor them / sarcasm” mindset, then you still have a way to go.

You’re entering a community that’s full of amazing people, majority women, and because of that- you need to check yourself first.

They’re not your competition, and if you find yourself saying:

“I hate influencers, I’m a content creator”

or

“It’s so stupid how they get thousands for a single photo, they don’t do anything”

or

“She needs to be humbled, she’s too up herself”

…you are part of the problem.

If you catch yourself talking about them more than you’re focusing on growing yourself, you are part of the problem.

If you catch yourself implying all their followers are men, or kids, or criticising them…You. Are. The. Problem.

Societally accepted pretty women are still never-quite-perfect- enough for society, never curvy or thin enough, never tall or short enough, never sexy or modest enough- they’re caught in the same cross fire nightmare that societal pressure enacts on women’s bodies, looks and actions.

The least you can do is not contribute to that.

For every dirty look I’ve returned with a smile, a warm, kind woman has approached me and introduced herself.

This is murky water.

I don’t want to put it on women to be the mums or peace makers with other women, but I do think it’s worth knowing for every bad first impression I’ve had with someone, I’ve had a beautiful, warm second impression.

Wouldn’t you have your guard up if everyone hated you for…doing too well?

Tall poppy syndrome is a curse in our culture, and it’s a way to get all the attention away from the real issues [cough, men, society, racism, ya know, the stuff that we can’t tackle completely in this article]. 

It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially as I come from a kind, warm culture that seems very juxtaposed with some of the more westernised cultures that dominate the industry.

But, ultimately…

They don’t owe you - or me - anything.

She didn’t smile at you? Did she need to?

Just as we don’t expect you to respond with Mother Mary type kindness to dirty looks, don’t put it on women to be super-duper kind.

The beauty community has a strong representation of people from such varied backgrounds and experience - those with social anxiety, on the autism spectrum, with ADHD, varying degree of mental health, seen and unseen physical disabilities, chronic illness and more- all of which do not discriminate based on how socially accepted their attractiveness is.

Add to all this the stress of freelance work situations and inconsistent income. Add to this the stress of being in a community that values your ability to show up consistently added to the chaos that is life - you’ve got a bit of a whirl-wind of… something.

*Sigh* Yes, women can be shitty too…

Well, you’ve got me here.

Yes, there are some “I was a bully in highschool” types, or even “Mummy doesn’t let brown people into the house” types…or “If you fail in highschool you’ll end up in Western CA!!” types… hahaha…. yes these  are real quotes… God help us.

No doubt they’re riddled with insecurity just like everyone else, but they also carry a that strong, miserable aura wherever they go, and consistently treat people awfully.

You don’t need my permission to treat them (or anyone) however you’d like -

But thanks to the change in this community, spearheaded by the diverse, it’s pretty clear:

Being mean isn’t cool anymore.

They’re slowly disappearing or better yet, growing and changing.

So my genuine ask is: to everyone who has the capacity, to contribute to the healing of the community, look inward, check yourself, do your best and eyes forward. Don’t perpetuate those elements of the world that hurt them in the first place.

These are questions I ask myself on repeat, and I am being so brutally honest here. You’re welcome to pinch them if you find them helpful:

1. Would I feel this way if I didn’t think she was prettier than me?

2. Would I feel this way if a man acted that way?

3. Am I being entitled, because I expect [person] to be overly polite?

4. Would I have the same expectation from a man?

Selfishly:

If I’ve ever given you the wrong vibe, or even a weird look, [although I’d like to dismiss it as a misunderstanding], maybe I’ll ask for a second chance instead?

I’d truly hate for someone to hold an opinion of me from my worst day, from the events I’ve attended in pain, or in the midst of a divorce. The events I’ve attended after hours of travel on public transport, or with pain meds finally kicking in.

Mornings I’ve spent nauseated or events I’ve had to ask family members to drive me to because I wasn’t strong enough to get there myself.

I’m sure I’ve been caught out at my worst moment. I’m also sure my struggles are shared deeply by many, so I do chose kindness as often as I can.

Feel welcome to say hi if you see me, I’ll do my best!

Thanks for reading.

All my love,
JAQUELINE xx

You can leave an anonymous comment below, I’d love to hear from you on this, and if you’d like to read more chats like this.

Anyway, Siri play “Girl, so confusing” by Charli CXC.