Hindsight is 20/20.

Here is your complete permission to mourn the years lost surrounded by people who don’t want the absolute best for you (not that you needed our permission).

It is sad. It does suck.

Toxic friendships evolve very differently.

It can look like out growing old family friends until you’re hanging out with someone because you feel like you need to, spending way too many Sunday brunches with someone totally not at your stage of life…

Or it can look like the harrowing realisation: “oh my god, she’s jealous of me. She always has been.” or the worst one, in my humble opinion “They’re hurting me on purpose.”

The topic came to mind because one of my fantastic friends had been burnt by a toxic friendship, and burnt badly. Now that I’ve recognised the burn, it’s hard to miss.

It’s cruel, it replays in your mind and whispers the cruel lies that the friendship seeded.

I’d encourage you to read the below stories with an open mind. Many times it’s death by a thousand cuts- the last straw to break the camels back- and what tips you over might feel completely minor.

It’s rarely the last step, it’s all the steps before.

Toxic friendships leave you feel off centre after brunches that should have been soul refreshing. They leave you confused and exhausted.

Our advice? Distance. But please, read on:

J’s Story

How old were you/how long was the friendship: We were friends since we were about 4, and I’m now 31.

What drew you to the friendship: Our mums became really good friends, and our friendship continued to grow. It was just easy, I honestly can’t tell you what drew us to be friends. I think we had some similar interests but looking back at it now she was also friends with all the popular kids in school.

Why did it end: I felt like I was always trying to make sure she was happy, if I didn’t want to do something I never said no I just went along with it. The final straw was her wedding, I was her maid of honour until her hens night. I’m not a partying type, I don’t drink and it was all her high school friends and then me.

I felt very left out, and became very quiet and withdrew. The next day, I was no longer her maid of Honour, I was still invited to her wedding and no longer had to continue planning her bridal shower. I went to the wedding to show my support but soon after, I realised this friendship isn’t for me.

I couldn’t get over how I was so quickly removed and that 20+ years of friendship meant nothing. About three years later she reached out to apologize, I accepted her apology but left it at that. I realised, nothing about our friendship made me happy. I was always trying to meet her standards and make her happy, without thinking about myself. We still don’t talk.

P’s Story

How old were you/how long was the friendship: 14 years long. We met when I was 14 years old and now I’m 29 years old.

What drew you to the friendship: We both immigrated to Australia from the same country, raised basically the same way, and liked many of the same things.

Why did it end: It took me a really long time to realise how draining the friendship was. I didn’t realise until the end how much she saw things as a competition - she could never just be happy for me unconditionally. If I did something exciting or achieved something I often only got a “yay so happy for you” but she’d quickly move past it.

She also only ever wanted me to say what she wanted to hear. When she asked me for my opinion on something and it wasn’t in agreeance of what she wanted, or I’d tell her she’s being ridiculous she got very defensive and cold. I realised a long time ago that the friendship wasn’t healthy when I had hard moments in life and she wasn’t the first person I’d go to.

I couldn't trust her to be there for me during the good…so that led to me not trusting her being there for the bad. The final ending was when she moved overseas and all she talked about was herself. I distanced myself and stopped responding because every message for 3 weeks was about her- only after 3 weeks of a slow fade did she ask if she did something wrong because I hadn’t been responding.

That showed me that she was quite self-centred. When I confronted her about her behaviour she didn’t see anything wrong and had a sarcastic “I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed”, when in fact she wasn’t being a good friend at all.

B’s Story

How old were you/how long was the friendship: Met when we were 18.

What drew you to the friendship: Ended up falling pregnant around the same time, both becoming young single mums. I ended up finding a wonderful partner (became the father to my daughter and more than 20 years later we’re still going strong), managed to get through uni, start a career, basically took control of my life despite the big hiccup of being a young mum.

Why did it end: She continued to constantly make poor choices, ended up having two other kids to two other fathers, was always broke (but somehow had money to party, smoke, and buy clothes), and just needed me to bail her out all the time.

It reached a point after about 7 years where it just felt like so much work, and so one-sided. Granted my life was going really well so I didn’t need her like she needed me, but also so many of her problems were of her own making.

It got to the point where my family and I moved to another nearby town, and I just let the friendship fizzle. Stopped reaching out, made excuses not to do the things I used to do, kind of ghosted. It just felt right, like that friendship had run its course and the relationship was something I no longer wanted or needed in my life.

T’s Story

How old were you/how long was the friendship: Probably 2-3 years; was 19 when we met, 27 now.

What drew you to the friendship: We both needed a roommate in the dorm; she was super relatable and we had a lot in common, I used to vent to her a lot because she understood.

Why did it end: I noticed her attitude tended to be negative as she would complain about things, which rubbed off onto me: I started feeling the same way and realized I didn't want to be like her. I decided to not be around her as much, and after we graduated I didn't keep in touch very much, but she may not have wanted to keep in touch either as she unfollowed me on a few accounts and maybe deleted her main account. It's hard to be friends with someone when you don't want to be like them.

E’s Story

How old were you/how long was the friendship: We met at 5! Our mums were co-workers and we went to the same primary and high school. I’m 27 now.

What drew you to the friendship: She loved to laugh and be silly, I loved that she didn’t care what other people thought and was chill.

Why did it end: I started feeling grated down by some of the things she’d do- She’d give awful presents that were offensively cheap- to the point that it would stress me out. I even asked her for my 18th to please not get me anything because I didn’t want my day to have a sour taste because my best friend gave me a hand painted jam jar that didn’t dry all the way- or an arts and craft toilet roll animal.

This stinginess unfortunately affected me more than I’d like. It felt like it was non stop- comments about pricing left right and centre (she’s from a fairly privileged family). It made me uncomfortable because she often relied on my generosity even though I was doing it tough.

Eventually, I introduced her to a few of my friends I had made who I grew very fond of. She told me after meeting him once, that she had a crush on my friends boyfriend. My brain kind of melted at that point- because when I mentioned that fact, she protested and ran away from me in a supermarket. It all just got too immature for me at that point. I ghosted her.

How to be a good friend & what a good friend looks like.